


maybe that's why i was hesitating

by cute_lil_fluff



Series: svt requests: december '19 - march '20 (part one) [7]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Anxiety Attacks, mentioned panic attacks, seokmin being a soft sweetheart and junnie being a good big brother, sequel to "is there such thing as an end without a start?", which i will link to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:47:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22258954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cute_lil_fluff/pseuds/cute_lil_fluff
Summary: "Come sit with me?" Junhui asks when Seokmin picks up his drink, sipping on it for the sake of keeping himself busy and wincing a little when the heat hits his tongue. He meets Junhui's eyes and and Jun immediately knows that he was right. Now that they're out of the studio, back home, stood under the dim kitchen lights, Seokmin looks so much sadder.He's not wearing his mask anymore.
Relationships: Lee Seokmin | DK & Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Wen Jun Hui | Jun/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Series: svt requests: december '19 - march '20 (part one) [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1577896
Comments: 6
Kudos: 136





	maybe that's why i was hesitating

**Author's Note:**

  * For [larryaesthetic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/larryaesthetic/gifts).



> prequel: [is there such thing as an end without a start?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17275892)

It's been a long day. They return home as stumbling shells of human beings, falling through the front door and immediately dispersing to start their individual night-time routines, most of which simply involve collapsing into bed.

Junhui's body is aching to do the exact same thing, but there's someone he needs to check up on first.

Seokmin has disappeared into the kitchen- Junhui watches from the doorway as he fumbles with a tea bag, the kettle rumbling beside him. Jun recognises the tea as one full of honey and lemon that Seokmin always reaches for when he's not happy with his voice. Jun also recognises the resolute look of _'trying not to cry'_ on his face.

"Hi, Seok." Junhui says, tilting his head to the side. He smiles when Seokmin turns around, startled eyes wide open and unblinking. He's so cute.

"Oh, hyung. Did you want some tea?" He asks, lifting the box so that Jun can confirm that it is, in fact, his throat tea. Junhui shakes his head.

"I'm okay, thanks." Seokmin gives him a wavering smile before turning back around, the kettle announcing that it's done. Jun remains where he is, observing.

Even just doing this simple task, Junhui can tell that something is off. Seokmin's back is too tense, his head lowered too far, his hands a little shaky and unstable. And he's quiet. Seokmin usually can't resist talking your ear off, no matter how tired he is, but today he keeps his mouth clamped shut.

He's been like this for a little while. Jun had noticed it halfway through practice, when Seokmin had disappeared to the bathroom and returned with a dull smile etched onto his face. If they hadn't been thrown straight back into choreography, he would have pulled Seokmin straight back out of the room to figure out what was going on before it got any worse. But alas, he's making up for it now.

No matter how much Junhui wants to pass out, he needs to check that Seokmin is okay first. Because it doesn't look like he is.

Junhui knows that if he left Seokmin to it, he would never be told what's going on. No one would. Seokmin will never complain, even if he is in serious physical pain. And he definitely won't complain about mental pain. He's too selfless, too stuck into his role as mood-maker, too strict on himself to be happy all of the time.

Jun wishes that he would give himself some grace.

"Come sit with me?" Junhui asks when Seokmin picks up his drink, sipping on it for the sake of keeping himself busy and wincing a little when the heat hits his tongue. He meets Junhui's eyes and and Jun immediately knows that he was right. Now that they're out of the studio, back home, stood under the dim kitchen lights, Seokmin looks so much sadder.

He's not wearing his mask anymore.

Seokmin doesn't trust himself to reply in words. Instead, he just nods and follows Jun through to the living room, curling up next to his hyung on the sofa and propping his mug on his bent knee.

Junhui gives him time, allowing him to just exist in the soothing silence and darkness of their living room instead of battering him with questions. He's hoping that Seokmin will open up on his own, that he won't have to force answers out of him, but he can't be too optimistic.

When Seokmin finishes his drink and places the empty mug on the coffee table, Jun shuffles closer, leaning against Seokmin's shoulder. Seokmin sighs, resting his cheek on the top of Junhui's head. Jun wraps an arm around his middle and holds him close.

Seokmin is similar to Jun in the way that he's drawn to physical affection, needing at least two hugs a day to make it through. Junhui is happy to indulge him, but he's not willing to put off what they really need to talk about. He won't let Seokmin suffer in silence.

"Is something going on?" Junhui asks. He doesn't feel the need to explain himself. Seokmin knows exactly what he's getting at. Seokmin sighs again, though it's a fraction shorter. He hooks an arm around Jun's elbow for something to hold onto.

Seokmin can't lie to him. No one can lie to Jun.

"I don't want to worry you. You need to sleep." Seokmin says but he's already tearing up and Jun is now determined to figure out what's wrong, sort it, and then comfort Seokmin until he's free of all turmoil and troubling thoughts. Junhui strokes a hand up and down his side, smiling at the feeling of soft fabric beneath his fingers.

"I won't be able to sleep if I'm worrying about you. I'll just end up waking you up in the middle of the night to ask again, so you might as well talk to me now." He's half joking, trying to lighten the mood a little bit, but he still wants Seokmin to know that he's being serious. Seokmin is a master at using humour to deflect scary conversations- he's not allowed to do that today. "I'm here for you, Seok-ah. Tell me what you're feeling."

Seokmin draws in a long breath and lets it out slowly, like he's steeling himself for battle. Jun's arm tightens around his middle just so he knows that he isn't alone. He never has to fight by himself.

"I'm doing okay, right?" Is how Seokmin begins, and Junhui is already concerned. "I can sing, I do my best in concert. I'm decent on variety shows, I try really hard when we're doing photo shoots. I'm alright?"

Junhui can't help his frown. "Of course. You're amazing, Seok. You're brilliant."

"Then why do I feel like I'm doing such a bad job?" Jun sits up at the sound of tears in Seokmin's voice, immediately pulling the younger boy against his chest. Seokmin whimpers as he presses his face into Junhui's throat. "It feels like I can't do anything without worrying about if I'm doing it right or that someone's going to yell at me or-"

He's rambling, his words tumbling into one another in their haste to leave his brain. Jun combs a hand through his hair in an attempt to settle him, short fingernails scratching gently at his scalp. Jun's other hand moves to the centre of Seokmin's back, tracing slow circles into his tense muscles.

"Sweetheart- it's okay, sweetie. You're okay. Settle down a little for me, deep breaths. That's it." Junhui murmurs against the top of his head, rocking him lightly from side to side in an effort to soothe him. They are both far too tired right now for Seokmin to get worked up, and Jun would never allow himself to be in a position where he's too exhausted to help one of his dongsaengs.

Seokmin doesn't relax so much as he hides, curling himself around Junhui's body and cuddling close. Jun just holds him, simply humming into his hair to fill the silence, reminding Seokmin that he's still there. Only when Seokmin's hands relax their grip on Jun's shirt does he speak up again.

"Seok, you know we can't ignore what's going on here. Remember the fact that you had a panic attack a few months ago, because you got so overwhelmed and stressed out. Those are symptoms of anxiety." Seokmin tenses up at that. "You need to look after yourself, just like everyone is always telling Channie, Sol, and I to do."

They haven't spoken about this since it happened. Seokmin has been pretty content, deflecting Jun's every effort to get him to talk with a bright smile and an "I'm fine." It's important, though. Junhui went for years without talking to anyone about his overwhelming feelings of anxiety and fear- he would have been much better off seeking help earlier than he did.

He won't let his dongsaeng make the same mistake. Not when he has twelve brothers who are willing to help him with absolutely anything, not to mention three who understand what he's going through.

"But- it's not the same. I don't feel like that all the time, I don't have- I'm not _diagnosed_ or anything. It's not serious enough. I'm fine." Seokmin resists, trying to extract himself from Jun's arms, as if trying to prove that there really is nothing wrong. Jun doesn't let him go far.

He catches Seokmin's face in his hands, cradling his jaw between his palms. Seokmin is forced to look him directly in the eye and he crumbles once more. He can't hide anything from this hyung.

Seokmin has seen Junhui at his worst- his most terrified and vulnerable state. Seokmin has been trusted with some of Jun's most distressing thoughts, has been relied upon to help him back to his feet. If Junhui can be that honest with him, there's no way that Seokmin could ever betray him, no matter how much he hates talking about his own problems.

Junhui deserves so much more than that. He deserves to be trusted as well.

"I don't have the right to complain about this." Seokmin tells him, barely a whisper. The only image running through his head is one of Junhui crumpled on the ground, unable to breathe around his choking sobs, pushing away the hands that are trying to help him, out of his mind with worry that he's ruining everything. "It's nothing compared to-"

Junhui cuts him off, shushing him and pulling him close again. Seokmin hooks his chin over his hyung's shoulder, resting his weight in his brother's reliable arms. "Don't say that." Jun tells him, trying to be stern but his fondness creeps through. He presses a kiss to Seokmin's temple before he says, "Seok, you don't need a medical diagnosis in order to _feel_ things."

Seokmin can't help the tears that overwhelm his eyelids and spill onto his cheeks. He screws his face up and glares at the wall. Junhui has pulled all of his vulnerabilities out into the open air and he feels like they've left a hole behind in his chest. He knows- he _knows_ \- that Jun is doing it with the best of intentions, but it still makes him feel bad. He hates feeling exposed like this, like he's supposed to explain away his emotions.

"Minnie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Jun murmurs, hands returning to their familiar rhythm on Seokmin's back, knuckles pressing into the dips in his ribcage. "I just need you to know that I'm here for you. I know you hate talking about this stuff, but you can't keep it all bottled up. Trust me, it's not worth it. Trust hyung."

"I do trust you. With everything. It's just hard." Seokmin admits, almost involuntarily. It might be the anonymity of darkness, but it's probably the familiarity of Junhui's arms that has truths spilling from Seokmin's lips. He can't lie to Jun.

"I know, sweetheart." He seems to sense that Seokmin is done, too strung out for this conversation right now. He nudges his nose against Seokmin's cheekbone before pressing a kiss against his warm skin. "Look, it's been a long day. We both need a good night's sleep. We can talk a bit more in the morning, yeah?"

"Yeah." Then a few moments later, another confession spills from his lips. Junhui has wiped away his filter, or maybe it's the exhaustion. "I don't want to be alone."

Seokmin feels Jun's smile against his cheek. He can't help but grin in response. "I'm sure Minghao and I can make room for a little Minnie between us. Or we could share your bed, you and me?" Seokmin knows that Jun doesn't want to leave Minghao on his own, but nor does he want Seokmin to be lonely. He knows that Jun would do anything for him if he asked but he doesn't want to cause any more trouble.

"No, I don't want to steal you from Minghao like that." Jun chuckles, a soft vibration passing from his chest to Seokmin's. It feels almost like a purr, awfully fitting for his kitten-like hyung.

"Good. Minghao's always freezing cold, not a very good heater. You can warm my toes for me, yeah?" It's Seokmin's turn to laugh now, amused giggles breaking through the blanketing silence of the night-time. It's a nice interruption.

"Of course, hyung."

Jun sighs, content, a warm breath of air against the shell of Seokmin's ear. "Precious boy. My sweet little Seokmin-ah."

**Author's Note:**

> this one probably deserves a second half but i don't have the energy nor the inspiration for it right now. i'll try to come back and add to it at some point.
> 
> hope you liked it <3
> 
> [my tumblr](https://hattieie.tumblr.com)
> 
> requested by [larryaesthetic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/larrysaesthetic/pseuds/larrysaesthetic)


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